You're Talking Yourself Out of Donations

How Your Words Can Make Donors Pull Away

Have you ever answered a simple question and then kept talking long after you'd already answered it?

Maybe you've explained your reasoning, then explained your explanation, then explained why you explained it in the first place. If so, you're not alone.

In this episode of The Brave & Balanced Fundraiser, Erin McQuade-Wright explores the hidden emotional and nervous-system dynamics behind over-explaining. What appears on the surface to be a communication habit is often something deeper: a fear of rejection, disapproval, misunderstanding, or not being enough.

Drawing on a recent experience in a group setting, Erin unpacks what happens when explanation turns into self-protection—and how this same pattern can show up in fundraising conversations, where too much talking can unintentionally push donors away.

You'll learn:

•  Why over-explaining is often a nervous system response rather than a communication problem 
•  How fear of rejection can drive us to keep talking long after we've made our point 
•  What a donor taught Erin about the importance of leaving room for others to respond 
•  How over-explaining can crowd out connection and make people pull away 
•  A simple somatic practice for catching yourself when you're leaving your center and seeking approval 

If you've ever found yourself talking faster, explaining more, or trying to convince someone to understand you, this episode offers a compassionate invitation to pause, breathe, and trust that your words can stand on their own.

In This Episode:

•  The difference between explaining and over-explaining 
•  Why silence can feel uncomfortable 
•  The connection between over-explaining and self-worth 
•  How this pattern shows up in fundraising asks 
•  Learning to let your words land 

A Question to Reflect On:

The next time you catch yourself over-explaining, ask:

"Am I speaking to inform, or am I speaking to seek safety?"

The answer might surprise you.

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Transcript

Erin McQuade-Wright 1:33

Welcome to The Brave and Balanced Fundraiser, the podcast I wish I'd had during my 15 years as a professional fundraiser. I'm your host, Erin McQuade Wright. This is your space to breathe, realign, and reconnect with the part of you that chose this work for a reason. Together, we'll explore tools and practices that help you show up less stressed and spread thin and more grounded, brave, and on purpose. I'm so glad you're here. Let's get started I wonder if this has ever happened to you. Have you ever answered a simple question and then found yourself talking more and realized, "I already answered the question and I'm still talking"? Maybe you've explained your reasoning, then explained your explanation, then explained why you explained it in the first place. Today, we're talking about that phenomenon, which I call overexplaining. We're gonna talk about what it reveals about our relationship with rejection and how it can unintentionally push donors away, and what to do when you notice yourself trying to talk your way into approval. I'm really looking forward to this I was recently in a meeting, and it was a group that I pay to be a part of. There's a, there's a fee to be a part of the group. Everybody in the room pays the fee, and we gather every so often And the regular meeting was a little bit different this time because someone was coming to talk to us about some changes that were happening in the membership. New benefits, new tiers, new prices. It was a long overdue probably update, but rather than it being a sort of quick heads-up and asking questions, I started to realize that I felt there was some overexplaining going on, and I realized it as tension in my chest. And I thought, "Oh, that's interesting. Why am I feeling tension in my chest?" And my perception was that the person who was explaining had already explained herself, and she was going back to explain again. And not only that, she was anticipating resistance from us, the group that she was talking to, and anticipating that it was not gonna go over well with some people and was kind of raising those ideas for us. Nobody said anything. I don't know if anybody w- in the room was resisting. I had-- didn't have that information. But, uh, in my perception, it seemed like she was anticipating the pushback and was trying to explain why the pushback wasn't warranted or how if you were gonna push back, that would be okay, and just come talk rather than just leaving. Like, there was a whole scenario they were prepared for about people to not like this information and to take action, uh, and sort of vote with their feet. And I thought, "Oh, that's interesting." I didn't necessarily perceive that people were gonna say that, and people actually haven't said that. But what I am seeing right now is someone who is overexplaining their point, and it went on for some time And I noticed that there was a point where the information stopped. New information stopped coming out for everybody in the room, and it began, it became self-protection. So it was still talking, but it was this person trying to protect themselves against potential pushback. And I thought, "Boy, can I relate to that." That is sometimes me And I was wondering, what are we trying to prevent that we won't stop explaining? What are we trying to prevent that we won't stop explaining? Because I don't think that over-explaining is really a communication problem. I mean, you can plan what you wanna say and then say what you planned to say, but I think it's actually an emotional regulation strategy. So here's what I mean about that. When we're explaining something in a healthy way, we're being clear, we're being concise, and we're leaving space for other people to respond to us. We're allowing them to ask questions, and we're responding to them in the moment, and there's some trust in that, right? I trust that whatever you ask, I'm gonna be able to answer or tell you that I don't have that answer right now, but I'm gonna get it for you, right? So there's some self-trust, there's some trust in the audience, and that's what I would call healthy explanation. And where it tips into over-explaining is when we're repeating ourselves. This is one that I can really relate to. If I'm repeating myself, if I'm circular in my explanation, it's just like a big loop, uh, that, that doesn't really make anything clearer. If I'm defensive, if I'm anticipating somebody's pushback and speaking to that even though nobody has pushed back, if I'm anticipating objections that actually haven't been raised, what I'm trying to do is manage how I'm being perceived. So I'm over-explaining in order to feel better about how you feel about me So I know that's kind of saying a lot, but I really believe that the moment we move beyond helping someone understand and we start trying to make sure that they approve, we've crossed into over-explanation, and then it becomes managing your perception of me. And guess what? That is a losing game. We can't manage other people's perceptions of us. We just can't. Other people are allowed to think what they think and feel what they feel. So anytime I find myself trying to manage others' impression of me, I know that I'm in a danger zone, and I need to get myself out of that tailspin So what's underneath this pattern? It's a, it's a pattern of I explain and then I over-explain, and then I'm trying to make sure that, that I can manage how you feel about me. I think what's underneath it is really fear. We're communal beings. We are wired for community, and I think a lot of people have this independent streak idea where they feel like, "I don't need anybody. I'm a lone wolf. I'm doing my own thing." And I certainly felt that way for a long time, but it does not change the ancient wiring in us, my friends, which says we are wired for community. We are meant to be together, and how we communicate with each other is one of the ways that we get together, right? So we have fears like, "oh, I'm gonna be cast out of the group if I mess up. They won't understand me. They'll think I'm wrong. They'll disagree. They'll reject me as a person, or they'll leave this thing we've created together, our community, or they'll think badly of me, and I can't control how someone else thinks about me." And sometimes we're not explaining the decision anymore. We're explaining our right to make the decision, why we deserve to be listened to. So in business, that might look like raising our prices or saying no, setting a boundary. It might look like letting somebody go from our team or making an ask or delegating work, asking for support I once heard from a donor who talked about this over-explaining piece, and she'd noticed this pattern. As she had built her business up and had a lot of success, she had people coming to ask for donations. They were coming to ask her for major gifts, and she was happy to have those conversations. And she told me, "Erin, I have had a person in front of me who I invited to talk with me about a major gift, and I know I wanna give to them, and I'm in that conversation, and they are over-explaining to the extent where I can't get a word in edgewise. They keep telling me why they need the gift, and in doing so, they are absolutely shut down to anything I have to offer as the potential donor because they have their story, and they're sticking to it. They're explaining what they know. They're explaining the statistics. They're explaining the importance of their mission, you know, maybe in comparison to other missions in the area, right? They're saying why they will be good stewards of a donation from me, and they completely crowd out the opportunity for me to ask questions, for me to consider their ask, and be the hero and make the gift." So while the donor is trying to say yes, the fundraiser is talking And I want you to think, I want you to look inside for just a moment, and I want you to ask yourself, "Is this me?" I'll tell you right now, this is 100% something that I have struggled with in the past. For sure, this has been me I'm not asking people for gifts right now in my life, so I don't... This is not currently me. But have I over explained in other areas? For sure. Do you remember being a little kid and there's an age when gossip starts to come into the, to the conversation, and people are talking about other people, and that starts to become like a scandalous thing. And I remember something I learned to do on the schoolyard was to say a hard thing to somebody and then say, "It's not just me who thinks that. It's other kids too." And sometimes I would name the other kids. "We all feel this way." Now why did I do that? In that moment, I pulled other people into the schoolyard conversation to bolster my belief because my belief did not feel strong, did not feel strong enough to stand in that conversation by itself. That's a really bad habit I don't know any adults who do this, but I'm sure there are adults who do this. For me, this was a kid thing, and I learned pretty early that that was a really unhelpful behavior, and I didn't like it, and I probably had plenty of people tell me, "Don't do that," that they didn't like it coming from me. So thankfully, I was able to change that behavior. But what I wanna point to here is very relevant to this conversation and is very human. When we don't feel like we've got enough energy for our statement to stand on its own will fill in additional information And it reminds me of this meme that says no is a complete sentence. If you're not used to saying no, it doesn't feel like a complete sentence when you say it The other day I had to tell someone that I wasn't coming to their event And rather than just say, "I can't make it. I hope it's everything you want it to be explained how this had to do with a physical reason having to do with my body, and that I could not be in that space without this circumstance happening. And here's another piece of evidence of why that circumstance happens, why that's true for my body, and I was over-explaining. I did it just the other day because my "no" did not feel like a complete sentence, and I wanted this person to know that I, that I wasn't being a crappy friend in that moment in saying no. There was a real reason why I had to say no So this is not limited to fundraising at all. This is a, this is a human thing, we all have it. But that muscle of saying what we wanna say and letting it land Can be built. That is a thing that can be learned. And in my life, the people I've seen do the best with this are grown women, grandma types. I'm a grandma type, so I can say that. Folks who have lived some years can tend to get really good at not over-explaining. Because guess what? We don't have the energy. We mostly wanna just be very efficient with our energy, and this is something that I'm learning to do, but it's... I'm in the middle of the journey. I'm right here with you So to get back to the fundraising conversation, picture this donor sitting across from an over-explaining fundraiser. Bless them. They wanna give, they wanna make this donation, but they can't get a word in edgewise What do you think that communicates to the donor? Who is the most important person in the room in that moment? Is it the donor I mean, it should be the donor, but it's probably the development professional who's sharing information And what if the donor doesn't need another explanation? What if they've got it? What if they already had it before you walked in the door? Or what if they have a, a question, but they're waiting for the space to open up? I have a friend like that. When we get together He will listen to the conversation. He will react. He will be fully present in the conversation. But in order for him to speak, he needs more space. He needs there to be some silence before he will wade into the conversation and say something, and I love that about him. Guess what? We're not all rapid, rapid-fire people. I mean, bless him. He, he's surrounded by rapid-fire people. So that gap in the conversation doesn't come easily for us. But so we've started looking out for him and saying, "Oh, you look like you wanna... You look like you have something to say." We start calling on him because we want his input. You know? He's a great- Thinker and friend, and we wanna hear from him, but he needs a different amount of space than we do to join the conversation So are you prepared to talk with a donor who needs more space? Who needs silence in the room before they feel like they can share their thoughts? And relationship itself requires room for another person to participate So over-explaining can actually crowd out the connection that we're going for with our donors. That thing that we want above all else, right? We don't wanna treat them like ATMs. We want there to be a relationship there. So from the nervous system side Over-explaining often comes with a feeling in the body that is tightening And as I say that, I wonder if you can check in with your body and know where the tightening, where the constriction happens for you. For me, it's often in my chest or my belly And sometimes I've even had the thought, "Stop talking. Stop talking. Why don't you stop talking? Stop talking. Oh no, you're still talking." Yeah. That's not about information. It's about a feeling That I'm trying not to feel. So in order to manage that, my speech might actually get faster. I might be talking without breathing. I might have racing thoughts or feeling like I'm not actually in my body. I've jumped across the table to the person I'm talking to. I'm like leaning forward. I'm out of my center, you know? I think of center as like my spine is long, I'm sitting squarely on the chair, my feet are on the floor. Or I'm standing up and my feet are both below me. They're not like legs crossed and hip cocked out to the side. No, I'm standing strong like a tree planted in the ground. That is alignment to me, and I notice when I'm over-explaining or I'm in an anxious nervous system state, I'm leaning forward out of my body into the other person's space, right? Even subtly, I am not in my center So overexplaining almost always comes with a loss of connection to ourselves. 'Cause what did I have to do in order to be in that person's space? I had to abandon myself We're no longer in our body. We're trying to control what's happening in someone else's mind, right? Influence how they think about us. And the moment I leave my body and enter your head, I start overexplaining And frankly, I can do a good job in my profession, whether I'm a fundraiser, a business person, whoever I am, I can do a good job without needing to abandon myself and jump into your experience and manage how I think you feel about me Somewhere along the way, a lot of us learned that our truth wasn't enough, that what we bring to a conversation, to a job wasn't enough. That our id nee- our needs weren't welcome, our ideas weren't welcome, our boundaries weren't respected, our opinions weren't trusted. Maybe our decisions were questioned There was a member of my family who whenever I would be sick would claim, "No, you're not. No, you're not." If I needed to stay home from school, if I needed to go to the doctor, there was just a resting disbelief of whatever I said So that is a not great experience to grow up with, but later on, as a, as an adult, I get to choose whether I wanna bring that into my adult experience or not Right? So somebody can tell me something about myself, like I'm a liar, but I get to choose whether to believe them But if I instead choose to prove to them, if I can just provide enough evidence, maybe I'll finally be accepted So I really want you to get this. Over-explaining is often an attempt to earn permission to exist exactly as we are So if this is a pattern, and it is, it's a pattern that has kept us safe in the past, usually by Protecting us from, Oh my gosh, I'm gonna stop talking and that person is gonna reject me. So guess what? I'm just gonna keep talking so they can't reject me." Boom. That's a s- that's a strategy that a six-year-old would put into place, a five-year-old would put into place, right? It's very simple. It's very innocent But the way we change our patterns is by simply noticing that they are taking place, noticing that they exist. Ah, I have just repeated myself I just repeated myself. I have a choice. I can keep talking or I can stop So we can ask, "Have I already answered that question?" And bringing it into the body, we can ask, "Can I feel my feet on the floor?" Can I feel my belly expanding on the in breath? Am I speaking to inform or am I speaking to seek safety? And that, my friends, is the whole shebang right there. Am I speaking to inform or speaking to seek safety? If it's safety, boom, good to know. My safety does not come from other people. My safety comes from myself So that can be a trigger. If I notice myself over-explaining, ah, do I feel safe right now? If not, let me give myself some safety. There's a technique I forget what the name of it is, but where you hold your own hand. I really like this because it's something that can be done in a meeting. You're holding your own hand, and just like when you hold the hand of a loved one, you can move your thumb across their skin as an... When you're in the hand hold, as an extra layer of nice connection. You can do that to yourself. Your hands can be in your lap, and you can be stroking, your hand with the opposite thumb to just bring you back into your body To right here and right now. So when you notice yourself over-explaining, I want you to stop. I want you to feel your feet. Take one slow breath. Let your shoulders drop and hold your own hand to feel that safety I want you to be able to be so in your body That you can ask for what you need, whether it's a donation, whether it's a salary increase Whatever it is, make the ask and then stop Or set the boundary that you've been neglecting setting, and then stop Or give an answer to the question you've been asked and then stop. You communicate the decision and then stop Most overexplainers never give their words a chance to arrive before sending out reinforcements. So that's what we're practicing here. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say has already been said So the goal is not to become robotic or cold. The goal is not to speak less. The goal is not to care less. The goal is to trust that your truth can stand on its own. You don't need 20 more sentences to make yourself worthy of being heard. Because sometimes the bravest thing we can do is make an ask, take a breath, and allow the silence that follows, because it just might be more nourishing to the person you're talking to than you know. So here are your five takeaways from this episode. Number one, over-explaining is often an emotional strategy, not a communication problem. We're usually trying to avoid rejection, disapproval, or misunderstanding by filling the room up with words. Number two, the moment explanation becomes repetitive, we're often trying to manage someone else's perception of us. Number three, in fundraising, over-explaining can unintentionally push donors away by leaving no room for them to participate in the conversation. Number four, over-explaining begins in the body. When we feel unsafe, we speed up, we leave our center, we abandon ourselves, and we try to talk our way back to security. And number five, the antidote isn't better explanation. It's trusting that your truth, your boundary, your decision, or your ask can stand on its own without endless justification or reinforcements to be called in. When we don't trust ourselves to be enough, we start adding footnotes. And when we do trust ourselves, we can speak less and let the moment breathe, and that is often where the magic happens. I wanna encourage you to try this out today and let me know how it goes. You can join my newsletter and the link will be in the show notes. Thanks for being here. We'll see you next time