Reactive Boss, Constant Pivoting: How Fundraisers Handle Workplace Whiplash Without Burning Out

How to stop managing everyone else’s anxiety and protect your clarity, confidence, and fundraising results.

If your workplace feels like emotional whiplash—full speed ahead on a campaign one day, questioning the entire strategy the next—you’re not imagining it. Reactive leadership creates instability, and fundraisers often end up absorbing the emotional fallout.

Here’s the hard truth: you cannot regulate another adult. Not your boss. Not your board chair. Not your colleague. (If that’s hard to swallow, Erin references The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins*.)

What you can regulate is yourself.

In this solo episode, Erin breaks down how nervous system dysregulation shows up as constant pivoting, second-guessing, and emotional contagion in fundraising workplaces—and how to stop unconsciously managing everyone else’s anxiety as part of your job description.

You’ll learn how to:

• Recognize when workplace chaos is a nervous system issue, not a strategy issue
• Stop personalizing reactive leadership
• Identify what overwhelm feels like in your body before it hijacks your decision-making
• Welcome difficult emotions instead of suppressing them (and why neuroscience supports this)
• Protect your clarity, confidence, and fundraising effectiveness—even when leadership feels unstable

Erin also shares a simple regulation ritual you can try immediately—including a medicinal-strength lavender and chamomile tea practice—to help you discharge stress and return to steadiness.

Because steady fundraisers raise more money.
 Clear-headed leaders make better decisions.
 And burnout is not a prerequisite for impact.

Journal Prompt:
What am I trying really hard not to feel?

If you want support applying this in real time—whether you’re navigating a reactive boss or noticing your own leadership insecurity—Erin offers coaching designed specifically for fundraisers working in high-pressure environments. You’ll find the link to connect below.

Book your 1:1 Brave and Balanced Breakthrough Coaching Session here: https://calendly.com/vitalistcoaching/brave-balanced-breakthrough

✨ Stay Connected & Continue Your Fundraising Growth

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Book a Brave & Balanced Breakthrough Call:
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👉 https://calendly.com/vitalistcoaching/brave-balanced-breakthrough

Learn more about Erin’s coaching & nervous-system based support:
VitalistCoaching.com

Connect on Instagram:
@erinmcquadewright

Transcript

Erin McQuade-Wright 1:33

Welcome to the Brave and Balanced Fundraiser, the podcast I wish I'd had during my 15 years as a professional fundraiser. I'm your host, Erin McQuade- Wright. This is your space to breathe, realign, and reconnect with a part of you that chose this work for a reason. Together we'll explore tools and practices that help you show up less stressed and spread thin and more grounded, brave, and on purpose. I'm so glad you're here. Let's get started. If you're working under a reactive boss, where the plan changes weekly or even daily, Here's the hard truth. You can't regulate the nervous system of another adult, not your boss, not your board chair, not anyone, and do a gut check now, if you're resisting that idea, I can't. Change someone else. I highly recommend the Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins'cause she'll break it down for you. But the good news is what you can do is you can regulate yourself. You can choose your response. You can decide, for example, whether to stay in that job or leave. And today's episode is about doing that from clarity and balance, not from panic pressure or emotional reaction. So let's get into it. I recently heard from a professional fundraiser that a big source of tension is their boss who has a tendency to freak out, backtrack on plans and second guess the team's planned actions going from"our event is coming up on this date" to,"uh, maybe we should cancel. Is this event a bad idea in the first place?" And when I heard this, my heart really went out to the fundraiser.'cause nobody wants to feel whiplash in the workplace. It's completely destabilizing and has the effect of everyone walking around on eggshells because the plan could change at a moment's notice, I felt a lot of compassion and I thought how painful for everyone involved. And my next thought was,"Ooh, I've been that leader." Maybe not to that extreme, but I have led from a place of self-doubt, and I've seen the effects of that on my team, and nobody does their best work under those circumstances. So I want you to answer this: What is this whiplash an example of? A stressful workplace, an insecure manager. A lack of backup from that person's supervisor. I actually think it's an example of how the nervous system shows up in our work, and we're gonna unpack this together in today's episode, but I want you to know if you're going through this emotional whiplash in the workplace:"we're gonna do this campaign. No, wait, pull the plug on that idea. Let's go in this direction instead. Uh, I've changed my mind again." If you're experiencing it as a staff member trying to keep up with changing directions, or if you're feeling an inner"uhoh" that tells you you are that manager, I've got you. This episode is really gonna help you understand what's underneath that whiplash so you can have more peace. And guess what comes along with the ride when you feel more peace? More clarity, more ease, and more successful fundraising. You know, fundraising is kind of a funny job. You enter that profession with fairly low stakes. You know, maybe you're raising$10 donations for the annual fund, or maybe you're working the auction table at the gala. And sure people come to fundraising from other places as well. I remember having a discussion at an A FP conference one time about. Where did you enter the profession of fundraising from? Oh, I was a journalist. Oh, I was a nurse. I was a teacher. You know, people come to it from all different angles, and that's what makes it, I think, such a unique profession. That's one of the reasons it's unique, but we tend to reward good fundraising with. A management position. So you've shown that you can raise money for the annual fund, or people like giving to you at events with the auction table at the gala, and you're doing well, and then bam, you're suddenly in charge of a department and it's not unusual for you to be in charge of a department with no management training. In my case, I went from an intern immediately to development director. Like one day I was the intern, then next day I was the development director. And when that happens, the stakes go way up out of nowhere. Right? I can't tell you how many times I've heard of this happening to others. And I actually consider this to be one of the big gaps in the fundraising profession. Rewarding fundraisers who are getting good result with management responsibility without investing in the training that will set them up for success. It's almost like we're getting the message. You are a rock star at raising money. Of course you'll rock this next level. Of course you will. We believe in you so much that it would almost be a waste of money to train you in management. Others may need that, but not you just go for it. Just find your way. So here's the fundraiser. Suddenly a manager learning how to be effective in a new role, navigating team management and their own fundraising responsibilities at the same time. Woof. Usually without a template to refer to, and when someone believes in you that much, it can take real courage to admit you're in over your head. When I first found myself in that position, you know, the effect was really twofold. I had anxiety about all the people who were counting on me to raise more and more money, and I felt really insecure that I didn't have the management experience needed to motivate a team. Like how do you even do that? Do you tell them what to do? Do you encourage them to come up with the idea and you sign off on it? I really didn't know, and I was just kind of fumbling around and it felt really uncomfortable. And I've said this on here before, but I really considered myself the kind of person who categorically does not learn things in front of others, doesn't walk out onto the tennis court and say, I'm gonna learn how to play tennis in front of others and deal with that discomfort. Like, I was like, oh no, no, I don't do that. And that's what management is, you know, unless. You go to a management school and then come out and start applying it, and probably even then you're learning in front of others. You're messing up in front of others, you're redirecting in front of others, and it can be really uncomfortable. So I made the choice to move forward without addressing my insecurity because the idea of facing my insecurity felt scary. And showing a brave face felt like I was being strong. So I put on a smile and I acted like I knew what I was doing, and I considered that to be a service to myself. I'm not gonna hang out in insecurity. I'm gonna hang out in action, and that's strong. But on the inside, I second guessed every decision I made, and I felt exhausted as a result. I didn't know it at the time, but this inner back and forth of showing up differently from how I felt on the inside was a super energy drain. It just sapped me of my life force, and it was a big part of why I felt exhausted at the end of the day, and my body eventually got really sick. So I want you to try something for me, instead of taking my word for it. I want you to run an experiment. I want you to really do this and apply this. Find a place to apply this in your day. I want you to notice when you're feeling overwhelm, I want you to notice what that feels like in your body. Okay? What does it feel like when I'm in overwhelm? Maybe you're in overwhelm right now. Great. I mean, not great, but also it's an opportunity to practice. So great. You're upleveling your life by putting your attention on this feeling. Notice what overwhelm feels like in your body. Maybe it's a tightness in your chest or a fogginess in your brain that makes speaking coherently more challenging. Just notice it without trying to change it. Just see what's there instead of having an agenda that it has to get outta here as quickly as possible. And see if you can welcome it to the party. So right now, I want you to close your eyes if it's safe to do so, and I want you to see yourself in your home, opening the front door to welcome some visitors to a party. So you look cute, your house smells good. You're feeling comfortable as a host. And you're just welcoming whoever walks through the door. Maybe you're excited to see some of your guests and less excited to see others. That's very human, but no matter who comes in, you welcome them and offer them a drink because you're the host, you're experi. For this week is to welcome your emotions at the door, just as you would with a guest. Oh, you're here in security. Welcome. Here's a cup of lavender and chamomile tea to be like a warm blanket for your nerves. You can sit in this cozy chair right here. I'm really glad you're here. It feels like the Jedi move would be to quickly slam the door in insecurity's face, so she can't come in. Nope, no security here, no insecurity here. All is peachy. But the fact is that pushing insecurity away just makes her bang louder at the door. It's truly welcoming her. That allows her to stand down and not. Raise the alarm so urgently that you need to feel insecure and second guess your decisions. So it's a Jedi mind trick to welcome her, offer her a cup of tea. And let me tell you, as someone who's studied herbalism in the past, that chamomile and lavender tea really does act like a warm blanket for your nerves. And so if you're feeling jangly. Like you really need to calm down. Make yourself a cup of tea. You put in an infuser, a tea infuser. You know the kind that sits inside your cup and steeps. You put in a teaspoon of lavender, a teaspoon of chamomile, or you get one of those tea bags of each and put both tea bags in. I want you to pour the boiling water over it. I want you to cover that up. With a plate or something so that the volatile oils stay in the cup and not dissipate in the air. And I want you to set a timer for 20 minutes. That is a medicinal dose of tea. That 20 minutes is gonna give you the strongest possible cup of tea, chamomile and lavender, and it's gonna be a little bitter. And that's okay. You can add a little bit of honey if you want to, but you're gonna get the medicine of that chamomile and lavender. Now, don't do this. If you have an allergy to plants in the Astro, a CA family, um, you probably have a big reaction to ragweed if you've got that allergy. Don't do that. Just do the lavender. Don't do the chamomile. But for most people, Chail is gonna be a tremendous relaxer. My herbalism teacher said, Chail is for cranky children. It's safe for kids and for cranky children and adults who are acting like cranky children. And let me tell you, every so often I notice, oh, I'm being a cranky child right now. Let me get myself. To the apothecary in my house and get me some camile, maybe some lavender together to help me take breath. That's gonna be a gift to your nervous system. And we love the nervous system here at the Brave and Balanced Fundraiser. We love the nervous system. We wanna support it. The idea again, is not that you never go into a dysregulated nervous system state where you're in fight or flight. That's not the goal. That you never go there and you stay blissed out and peaceful and zen at all times. That's not the human experience, my friends. The idea is when you go to a dysregulated state, you don't stay there. You don't get stuck there. You know how to bring yourself back. Using your breath, coming back into your body through stillness, meditation. Put your feet in some grass, have a cup of tea. These are not luxuries for a professional fundraiser. These are necessary things to fill your internal cup so that you can pour out for your donors and your colleagues at work. So I wanna encourage you to do that experiment and have that cup of tea for yourself. Offer a cup of tea to your insecurity when she crops up. Doesn't have to be a she, I'm just saying she. So if you've had your eyes closed, you can go ahead and open them and come back into the room. And I want you to take this question to your journal or spend some time thinking about it. Here it is. Are you ready? What am I trying really hard not to feel? What am I trying really hard not to feel. Maybe it's insecurity. Maybe it's the feeling of failure. Maybe it's self-doubt or something else. The next time you notice that feeling is hanging around, see if you can switch into host mode. Welcome it through the front door. Offer it a drink and a seat just as an experiment. And it might feel at first, like welcoming it in will cause it to overrun your life, but it won't. Neuroscience backs this up. It takes about 90 seconds for a feeling to go on its way once we've made ourselves available to fully feel it. Okay, so here are your takeaways from today's episode. Number one, workplace whiplash is often a nervous system pattern, not a strategy problem. When a leader is dysregulated, the team feels it and plans become emotional weather. Number two, you don't have to slam the door on hard feelings to be professional. Welcoming emotions instead of muscling past them reduces their intensity and helps you lead and communicate more clearly. Number three, your body is an early warning system. Identify what overwhelm feels like physically, So you can intervene before you spiral into second guessing. Number four, regulation is a performance tool, not a luxury breath. Stillness, nature and small rituals like tea aren't extra. They're what keep you effective and relational in high pressure fundraising. Number five, ask the real question. What am I trying not to feel? That answer often reveals what's running the meeting, the email, or the leadership moment from behind the scenes. If this is something you're scared to do on your own, believe me, I get it. This is the work I do with clients and I help them feel their feelings and do it in a way that is bite-sized and not overwhelming. So if you want support with this, go to the show notes and you can find a link there to book a time with me. I'm here to support you, my friends. We'll see you next time.